Friday, December 4, 2009
The days of swing set dates and butterfly kisses over,
It's time to grow up.
And I'm not quite sure what really happened
as the years suddenly disappeared out from under us.
I guess the world really was bigger than us,
bigger than our hometown dreams.
Those dreams we packed away in baskets like children,
making a picnic of life, wide eyed and ready to dive.
Amnesia some call it,
well I call it vain;
I pushed you away.
And though I rarely think of you,
some five years down the line
I still sometimes wonder where we could have gone
had I decided, to hold on.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I smoked black and milds, almost religiously, starting about two months ago. I want to say it was because I wanted to, because I liked them, and, yeah I did, but that's not why. I needed something. So, over the past 3 months, I've covered everything up with alcohol and black and milds. Something to do, something else to think about.
But after some recent events, good, amazing, and bad, I've really come to terms with who I'd become. I was raging, kicking and screaming -- I was out of control. So unlike me. SO unlike me. And so I've discovered that maybe I don't need the substitutes anymore, maybe --
I started smoking cigarettes just this week. And today when I bought another pack and smoked one after class, I realized that I was at a crucial point. This is the point where I'm wanting to smoke. This is the point where I'm just starting to get addicted. This is the point to get out.
So I am. Today I rounded up all my lighters, all 6 of them that I could find, and gave them along with the pack of cigs to Matt. I told him not to let me smoke anymore. "be mean" I said, and I hope he is, if he needs to be. I know he can do it. For me. He's good for me.
So wish me luck. I have 0% self control, always been that way. I want one right now, and yeah, I could go buy some. I want to. But more than that, I want to win. For once, I want to fucking win. I never put up a fight, ever, for anything. But this is it, this is the first, and this I will win. So wish me luck...
Where the lines crossed stop running blurred
Tell me just how far you believe we can bend
attempting to blend our realities into one.
We paint the days like we paint a wall -
but never covering it all.
And you walk around like you've got it all figured out,
and you're covering well -- but not well enough.
So when you finally decide to come clean,
if that day ever comes,
think of me - but keep your distance.
You only want it again when you realized it's lost
but there's no coming back to this one --
This is your closure, baby
and it ain't a pretty feeling,
but you really should have learned
to wear it well by now.
This is the end of the end.
Stand up -- take your bow.
Just try to win this crowd.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
I went way downhill, way too fast after the fall
Circling my doubts, recalling it all
every single rotten day from January
to July, only hearing his harshest words.
Each day was longer than the one that came before
and before too long I had nothing
but the bitter sweet substitutes and a closed door.
Walking away from everyone I walked right into you
and when our eyes met, that first fateful glance,
I saw you were lost too.
And of course I'll never forget that very first glimpse
as you danced and hid yourself away as I do
but I know you, I know you.
The distinction between sour and sweet meant nothing to me
As the room filled with water my heart ceased to beat.
I got carried away as the waves hit the wall
so lost without love, and praying to fall.
So when an opening came I took it with stride;
faced all the pain, and swallowed it whole
ignoring all hope, abandoning pride
I dove straight down, like the fish in the bowl.
And of course I’ll pray to forget that day
when I left myself behind, but kept going on my way
without any sense of direction, afraid to face reality,
and refusing to be okay.
And so we danced together.
Forgetting what hurt with everything else
and when the world reminded us as it always does,
of our half beating hearts and our unfinished loves
we simply held on to whatever we had
and when the room stopped spinning
we were always still there
messy hair and head, waking up in bed.
But the world becomes a little more focused
every time I watch you walk toward me.
The faint feeling of my heart becoming more than just routine
while the numbness, once overwhelming, gets lighter, serene.
So calculated, so sure, your cover coated well
but more and more each day it’s getting harder to tell.
We’re healing each other, a kiss at a time
sealing the deal as we’re waiting in line
We’ve decided to make the best of what we’re given
but considering it all, as I look you up and down,
I’ve wholly decided to keep you around;
my healer, my aspirin, my hold to solid ground.
You give me what I need
and I hope to give you yours
as we dance through life together
just pieces on the board.
You are the knight and I will be your queen,
forever moving with you, forever yours-healing.