Thursday

I freaking love Pandora. I keep discovering all this new fantastic music on my various fantastic stations. I can't wait to buy some new cds. I haven't bought a new cd in....oh God...over two years. The last time I bought a cd was Fun. in September 2009....and because I was in love with this boy (and the music!) so good thing that worked out!

Speaking of which, Matt and I have our 2 year anniversary coming up soon! I'm excited! I have Nov. 19th-22nd off work, double yay. Saturday is my bestie's baby shower (yayyyy baby) which I am co-hosting. I'm pretty excited. I still have to go do some shopping. I'm going to have awesome cake and games and fun baby stuff and all kinds of super cute baby business. Babies might freak me out...but hey, I'm still a woman. And they're kinda cute, okay?

Anyways, so that's Saturday, and then Monday is anniversary day, and Tuesday is Matt's 21st, so lots of fun times coming up!

On one last note, I wrote something this morning. And after learning all kinds of new truths about poetry in my class with Prof. Bar-Nadav (love her!) and now I feel better about what I write, and almost like I'm actually doing something right now, like I can be taken more seriously? I don't know. It doesn't have a title, yet-maybe never, and I wrote it in about 10 minutes between class discussions this morning.

he confesses his love
repeatedly. publicly.
Intimately.
he seems to stand
on my pure existence
alone.

Now, thanks to my new found knowledge I know that I have here included ambiguity (which was already my specialty...), double meaning, and elusive use of punctuation and line break. The 3rd line is actually supposed to be indented, but this stupid thing wouldn't let me. Oh well. It's just for me anyway.

Oh, the possibilities

Ohh, so you're one of those people who has 1500 facebook friends; 15 of which you actually speak to, 20 of which you will ever speak to. I realize that I am speaking somewhat hypocritically, given my facebook "friend" situation...but I honestly saw a girl spend over 20 minutes in class today, simply manually selecting each and every one of her friends, for God only knows what reason. -- She's having a party, the whole state is invited. What the hell. -- What a waste of [expensive class] time, only to appear popular to all the friends you know don't know.

I, on the other hand, am in the library, be studious...aside from this little break I am taking to be a blogger...which I still think when you put it in writing sounds lame...but I still like doing it, so yayyy.

Umm, today I got another paper back from my English 410 professor. Another Check+ and I am very happy with myself. On top of that, and what really really made my day fantastic -- even after 2 hours of sleep, a flu shot, 4 classes, and hardly and food -- was this:

"Right on Aubree -- An insightful look at diction and double meaning -- Has anyone talked to you about grad school? Something to think about --" SMILEY FACE.

Umm...hello!! Someone other than my various past advisers who did not know me and had never seen my work think I am good enough for grad school! Graduate School. I know it seems ridiculous that I am blowing this up so big...but I never though I could handle it.

Also, it is because of this teacher, prior to today, that I actually entertained the idea of teaching [what?!] at the college level...which meant grad school...and meant I almost instantly ignored the thought right after I had it.

Until today.

Who knows? Who knows indeed. I've never been so pumped about school, and however swamped and stressed I may be -- and it's a lot -- I still feel on top for the first time.

Thank you UMKC, you're beautiful.

Where do I begin...

Today was super - check - beyond super crappy. Big fight, hours spent in bed doing nothing, accomplishing nothing. And I have to get up in 5 hours to go to my follow-up appointment to check on my cyst/boil/tumor/whatever the hell it is.

I did go to the library today, on a non-class day...bad idea. Gas is too expensive. But I actually did homework, which is quite an achievement for me these days. I'm too exhausted. I can't imagine working any more than I am, not with these classes.

This week :

One Spanish test

Two chapter worth of Spanish hw - due

One take home Lit. test - Due

2 papers - Due

work work work

Next week:

Art History test

30 minute class [group] presentation

work, school, work, school [sleep?]

I need a break...buh.

I realized something funny today. Interesting funny, not haha funny.

A few years ago, I would have never considered living in Kansas City. I always thought it was nasty and dirty and lifeless and cold. And sometimes I still see that. But...I'm totally living next door now, and going there 2 to 3 times a week. And I kinda love it. Funny.

Living with Matt's parents...

I'm still adjusting. There's no room, no room in here. I can't find my stuff, my clothes are everywhere. I'm literally living out of a suitcase. And getting yelled at for not putting clean clothes away...away where exactly Matt!?

But they're feeding me dinner, on occasion, when I'm home...which is pretty fantastic. And I can keep my kitty with me, yay. But I've gone without coffee for a whole week, going on two, because we haven't gotten a chance to get my crap out of storage. I miss my coffee maker... :/

I hope we're on our own by November as planned...

In lighter news...my brother is now engaged. Woot!

I'm excited. Tiffany is pretty great. :]

Hooray for Saturday

It's time to write again. We'll see how this goes. I love to write, as if anyone reads it, and yet I never do anymore.

I'm supposed to have my first class at UMKC on Tuesday.

Today I found out that I don't have a loan after all. Four grand for this semsester, due now, and I don't have a fucking loan. I don't even know what happened. I did everything just like before. So now, if I don't get this figured out on Monday, I'm screwed out of my education.

Happy, happy day.

And now...

Someone once told me that you'll never truly get over someone until you find someone else who can make you even happier.

At the time I called bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT. Of course, this was late August. I was a wreck, I was still stumbling, and I was looking for every possible way to continue to be unhappy. But...God had bigger things for me. So He picked me up. And he gave me Matt.

Here I am, 6 months and 2 weeks after the most devistating events of my life. I wasn't sure if I'd ever say this, or at least, I didn't believe I'd be saying this anywhere near this soon, but I am finally free of it all. Of course, still, there are certain things. Things that, beyond my control, bring me back to it. But the pain is gone, and the anger, the overwhelming anger that was devouring me whole, has almost completely subsided. And hearing about his life, from all these people who seem to think I want to know how bad he's doing (which, okay, makes me smile. My bad), doesn't bother me anymore. Because when I hear about that life, I no longer think about how I would be fitting in there, had things never changed. Now I simply shutter at the idea of if things had never changed.

Yay!!

I'm not going to get all mushy, and girly, and talk about the one who saved me, who brought me back to life. I'm just going to say, that over the last 5 months, he has put more life into me than I have seen in years. YEARS, really. I'd forgotten what it meant to live for Aubree, and what it felt like to give your all and get more back. And in the last 2 months that we have been dating, I have felt more loved than I ever have. If I wanted to write down all that he means to me, and does for me, I would never stop writing. Life is moving at just the right pace for once.

And I thank God everyday for giving him to me.

For David

Today I remember a love lost.
The days of swing set dates and butterfly kisses over,
It's time to grow up.

And I'm not quite sure what really happened
as the years suddenly disappeared out from under us.
I guess the world really was bigger than us,
bigger than our hometown dreams.
Those dreams we packed away in baskets like children,
making a picnic of life, wide eyed and ready to dive.

Amnesia some call it,
well I call it vain;
I pushed you away.
And though I rarely think of you,
some five years down the line
I still sometimes wonder where we could have gone
had I decided, to hold on.

Practice, Practice, the art of Practice

I decided to stop smoking today. No--really. I decided to stop smoking today, after a week. Sort of.
I smoked black and milds, almost religiously, starting about two months ago. I want to say it was because I wanted to, because I liked them, and, yeah I did, but that's not why. I needed something. So, over the past 3 months, I've covered everything up with alcohol and black and milds. Something to do, something else to think about.

But after some recent events, good, amazing, and bad, I've really come to terms with who I'd become. I was raging, kicking and screaming -- I was out of control. So unlike me. SO unlike me. And so I've discovered that maybe I don't need the substitutes anymore, maybe --

I started smoking cigarettes just this week. And today when I bought another pack and smoked one after class, I realized that I was at a crucial point. This is the point where I'm wanting to smoke. This is the point where I'm just starting to get addicted. This is the point to get out.

So I am. Today I rounded up all my lighters, all 6 of them that I could find, and gave them along with the pack of cigs to Matt. I told him not to let me smoke anymore. "be mean" I said, and I hope he is, if he needs to be. I know he can do it. For me. He's good for me.

So wish me luck. I have 0% self control, always been that way. I want one right now, and yeah, I could go buy some. I want to. But more than that, I want to win. For once, I want to fucking win. I never put up a fight, ever, for anything. But this is it, this is the first, and this I will win. So wish me luck...